The Case for Marriage

Today more than ever before it is great to be single. Flying solo a person enjoys the freedom to make decisions about their lives without having to consider the needs or feelings of another person. Your money is your own to do with as you choose.

Indeed the disciple Paul chose to remain single and espoused it for others. He said, “I wish that all men were as I am . . . Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (I Corinthians 7:7-9).

Marriage was a financial and economic necessity for women in previous eras. It was one of a few options they had. Otherwise, women stayed in their father’s house as the spinster daughter, sister, and aunt.

Opportunities in the workplace, as well as the right to control an inheritance and own capital were all limited by law. A husband was essential for a woman’s economic survival outside her father’s house.

A male of the same era needed marriage as well. He needed a wife to bear sons who would carry on the family name, to become heirs to the family business, or to work the family farm. He needed a woman to convince society that he was credible, stable, and reliable.

In contemporary society, marriage is but one of many choices for young people. They are postponing marriages later than any previous generation. Young, college educated adults with liberal discretionary income spend their twenties and thirties launching careers, exploring the world, and generally enjoying themselves. While a spiritual and civil partnership is no longer a necessity, it is still a viable option for many.

Since the terrorists’ acts of 9/11, people have shown a strong tendency to want to connect with others. While technology is one way for people to connect, it is not the way to maintain a relationship. Thus, in spite of all the technological avenues for connectivity, people still feel lonely and isolated. They long for the companionship and intimacy that is found in marriage.

If this is what you want, what have you done to get it?

Whatever Happened to Courtship?

Dating today is like a series of mini marriages—one man/one woman. Exclusivity is expected. After a few dates, the couple becomes intimate and in a few weeks she leaves her toothbrush in his apartment and he leaves his shaving kit in hers. Another few weeks pass and the discussion turns to living together. Which of them will give up his or her apartment? Where will his old basketball trophies be displayed? What does he do when her girlfriends come over for ladies night? How will they split the bills?

Although the pair quickly becomes dependent upon each other for everything when it comes to a social life and companionship, I don’t think either is having much fun. They are too busy running a household and harried, complicated lives that used to be hidden from view until after a commitment to a long-term relationship was made.

At the outset of the live-in situation, no one discusses how long the arrangement will last. No one brings up expectations—like what happens next? Is this supposed to lead to marriage? Or is this for convenience only—to save on rent or to reduce the effort it takes to get up and go home after an evening tryst?

What I have just described is not dating.

I think you should renew the old definition of dating. Flirt, woo, and court. I believe dating should be an opportunity for two people to get to know each other better in the setting of various social activities. Back in the day, when a couple was dating, they went out and socialized together—enjoying sports, concerts, and parties. He usually paid when they went out. She reciprocated by preparing home cooked meals for him or providing special tickets to an event she thought he would enjoy. Of course, since she may earn as much as he in this century, she can pay for the meals sometimes and he can provide the home cooking. But, I hope you get my point.

In the old days, dating gave the couple a chance to get to know each other without the pressure of having someone dependent on them. If either in the couple had children, the children were not introduced until it looked like things would become permanent.

I know that I cannot bring back the good old days, but I do have some suggestions. Treat dating as a process for becoming better acquainted. Don’t rush it. Discuss preferences, past successes, and disappointments, future hopes, and dreams.

Flirt, woo and court. Try being easy and light-hearted. Take away the jealousies about old loves, conflicts over broken promises, and all that mess. See how much you can laugh together. Explore common ground.

Save the sleepovers until you’re married. Okay, that slipped out. I do like to deal with the ideal. But realistically, at least you can wait until she knows you well enough to smell your untreated morning breath without gagging. And he likes you so much, you don’t have to worry about rushing out of bed to fix your hair to cover exposed tracks before he wakes up.

Try some old school, hand holding, stopping with a few kisses and hugs at the end of the evening. Flirt, woo, and court.