Whatever Happened to Courtship?

Dating today is like a series of mini marriages—one man/one woman. Exclusivity is expected. After a few dates, the couple becomes intimate and in a few weeks she leaves her toothbrush in his apartment and he leaves his shaving kit in hers. Another few weeks pass and the discussion turns to living together. Which of them will give up his or her apartment? Where will his old basketball trophies be displayed? What does he do when her girlfriends come over for ladies night? How will they split the bills?

Although the pair quickly becomes dependent upon each other for everything when it comes to a social life and companionship, I don’t think either is having much fun. They are too busy running a household and harried, complicated lives that used to be hidden from view until after a commitment to a long-term relationship was made.

At the outset of the live-in situation, no one discusses how long the arrangement will last. No one brings up expectations—like what happens next? Is this supposed to lead to marriage? Or is this for convenience only—to save on rent or to reduce the effort it takes to get up and go home after an evening tryst?

What I have just described is not dating.

I think you should renew the old definition of dating. Flirt, woo, and court. I believe dating should be an opportunity for two people to get to know each other better in the setting of various social activities. Back in the day, when a couple was dating, they went out and socialized together—enjoying sports, concerts, and parties. He usually paid when they went out. She reciprocated by preparing home cooked meals for him or providing special tickets to an event she thought he would enjoy. Of course, since she may earn as much as he in this century, she can pay for the meals sometimes and he can provide the home cooking. But, I hope you get my point.

In the old days, dating gave the couple a chance to get to know each other without the pressure of having someone dependent on them. If either in the couple had children, the children were not introduced until it looked like things would become permanent.

I know that I cannot bring back the good old days, but I do have some suggestions. Treat dating as a process for becoming better acquainted. Don’t rush it. Discuss preferences, past successes, and disappointments, future hopes, and dreams.

Flirt, woo and court. Try being easy and light-hearted. Take away the jealousies about old loves, conflicts over broken promises, and all that mess. See how much you can laugh together. Explore common ground.

Save the sleepovers until you’re married. Okay, that slipped out. I do like to deal with the ideal. But realistically, at least you can wait until she knows you well enough to smell your untreated morning breath without gagging. And he likes you so much, you don’t have to worry about rushing out of bed to fix your hair to cover exposed tracks before he wakes up.

Try some old school, hand holding, stopping with a few kisses and hugs at the end of the evening. Flirt, woo, and court.